Endeavour then to convince yourself, not by increase of proofs of God, but by the abatement of your passions. You would like to attain faith, and do not know the way; you would like to cure yourself of unbelief, and ask the remedy for it. Learn of those who have been bound like you, and who now stake all their possessions. These are people who know the way which you would follow, and who are cured of an ill of which you would be cured. Follow the way by which they began; by acting as if they believed, bless yourself with holy water, have Masses said, and so on; by a simple and natural process this will make you believe, and will dull you—will quiet your proudly critical intellect...
-Blaise Pascal
Why does purpose in life constantly vex our species? Why do I wake up everyday thinking that I must have a purpose in this life, that I must make an impact, and do good? Why wouldn't I want to do nothing and be a bad human? Does anyone want that? I don't think I've met one human being on this earth that has stated they want to amount to nothing.
I've become isolated in the past 6 months of my life. This is unprecedented because in my latter years, I was constantly surrounded by others, living life with others and seemingly enjoying life. I own a house now. I am 26. I have grown up responsibilities and when I think about having 'too much' fun, it makes me feel inadequate, as though I'm trying to stay young. Sometimes, I don't want to own a house. Sometimes, I wish I had 4 roommates again and was in a location that I absolutely loved. We are all young at heart. I will want to have a good time and have fun until the day of my death. But there is something very, very large missing in my life and I can feel it. I'm not as happy as I once was, even though people think I'm the same person. I feel a void in my life, that I once had, but has now vanished. I have become more pessimistic about life and even scared to turn 27. I feel I haven't accomplished enough before I'm 27. I feel I have played my 20's away and haven't been trying hard enough to target a career. My idea of success is constantly skewed because I, like others, tend to compare myself to other 26 year old people. I feel burdened because I haven't married the love of my life that I started dating when I was 21 or 22. I know life is full of disappointments, but I feel as though they have just all caught up to me this year and it's weighing incredibly heavy on my soul.
As a professed Christian, I have stopped practicing daily Christian acts of devotion that I normally did in my late teens to mid 20's. I would read devotions about God, pray more to God and involve myself more in the church than I do now. I am still a member of a church and attend regularly, but the impact of it all has lessened. I spoke with a close mentor of mine, Marty, about all of this and he referred to it as a 'dark knight of the soul.' I did more research on this and was astonished at how many people throughout human history actually experienced this - Mother Theresa being one of them. How in God's name(pun intended) did Mother Theresa, a selfless, humble, straight A student for Christ not feel God's presence for the remaining 30 plus years of her life?? When I heard about that, it made me feel even more alone and isolated. I'm not asking God for a good feeling and Christian euphoria everyday I wake up, but rather, just a simple peace of mind. I haven't really been frustrated with God, rather, I've been apathetic, which scares me. When I realize that I become apathetic towards God, I realize I don't care as much about the morals I have held up until now. I also don't feel the scrupulosity or Catholic guilt that I once felt in my developing years when I committed sin. It's hard for me to admit sin, not because I don't want to, because I don't care to. As far as Christianity goes, this is one of the biggest red lights you can come to, because when you don't care about God, how do you expect Him to show up in your own life?
This will continue to go on for however long. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog as well, because I feel I could record my thoughts quicker and they would be more accessible at any given time. This isn't going to be an easy life, but I'm sure as hell not going to let my doubt get in the way of enjoying the only life I have.
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