Death

For the past 6 months to a year, all I can think about is death.

It's an awful, horrible feeling. The thought of my consciousness ceasing to exist really upsets me. I know there have been times in my life when I was younger where death didn't even cross my mind. I specifically remember one time I was with my father on top of mount Currahee, preparing for a day of top rope climbing. I was putting my harness on and I wasn't even close to the edge of the cliff, but my father insisted that I take a few steps back and just be extra cautious. I sort of laughed at the matter and said, 'It's not a big deal Dad, if I die, I know where I'm going.' It was a bold statement, but something I felt 100% confident at the time. Dad got a little frustrated with me and said something to the degree of I can't believe you would jeopardize your life and you should be cautious no matter what. I could tell it was more of an attitude for caring for his son than it was the thought of my personal belief in the afterlife. I look back on that same incident now and I think I was absolutely mad! If I died then, not only would my life on earth be no more, but my family would be put through an incredible amount of grievance. Now my thought pattern consists of, 'If I die, then A. I will meet my Maker and be judged upon my actions and devotion to Him or B. I won't know I'm dead because my consciousness will cease to exist. Put religion aside for just one moment and think about that - your consciousness, everything around you, becomes nothing. You won't know it, because your mind is no longer there. I've read articles and articles about true death being the mind ceasing to fire neurons, etc. But what really happens when you die? We have been dying for centuries, but no one knows what happens when your mind and heart cease to function. To the atheist, it means your body has ceased to work and you have no more consciousness, to a Christian, it means your soul(separate from your mind and body) will be in a new realm in front of the Almighty. We place ourselves above our ecosystem and other animals, because we state that we have souls and consciousness, whereas other animals don't. Now, studies are being done to see if in fact animals have consciousness, such as bees. If bees are in fact aware that they are conscious of their life, does that mean they have thoughts of an afterlife? Is the thought of afterlife itself a fabrication of the evolution of our minds?

So death... why does it scare me so much now, than it ever has in my life? I've always known I was going to die, no telling when, but that my life would end. You don't really stop to think about it sometimes, but we are slowly dying from the moment we are born. I'm 26 now, and God-willing, still have a full life ahead of me... but even still, my days are numbered on earth. I may not be here in the next 3 minutes to finish this blog, and I may die in my sleep, and I may die on the way to work tomorrow. Does anyone want to truly die? Right now, I don't want to die because I'm extremely confused and hoping time will help me sort things out. The thing that scares me is that I will never have the peace that I once had as a young believer, leaving my faith in constant question. So why does death scare me and not other very, very strong believers in any faith? How can you psyche yourself out of the fear of death? I consider myself to be in a very middle ground with my faith right now. Part of me knows everything will be fine and my relationship with God will pick back up, but a part of me thinks its all down hill from here, I'm on my own and when I die, I cease to exist. So do atheists think people of faith just use their belief in God to comfort their own death, ceasing to exist, and do Christians think atheists are foolish and gambling their life by not having faith in God? Yes and yes. It's a constant struggle, and it's what keeps going on in my mind day in and day out. God, or not God? Sounds simple right? Probably the toughest question to ever face mankind.

I want to conclude with something we as a species are flawed with - pride. We have pride that we know everything, that we are better than everything, and that we can and eventually will figure out everything in the universe. That because we have become so smart, we can rule out the existence of silly religion, of miracles, and of other supernatural occurrences. We have become more smart in the sense that we can modify our bodies, make inventions to make our lives easier, and sure, we maybe able to live to 300 one day, but does that really change who we are as species? No, we are just adding on and hacking our surrounding world. It doesn't stop pain, poverty, suffering, sin, even though we are trying to stop it. We will be the most advanced species to ever have lived on Earth in 500 years, with new technologies for learning and growing, but will we cure greed? Pride? Lust? Envy? These are embedded in us and aren't going anywhere. Maybe I'll be wrong in 500 years and we have completely changed our genetic makeup to rid of all these flaws, but for now, and for my generation, I will continue believing in God.